First Meeting

I’m pretty sure i was the youngest person in the room, the crowded room in the episcopal church, not even a block from my house. The guy who was leading the meeting, it was his “belly button birthday,” and he said without his AA birthday, he probably wouldn’t be celebrating his “belly button birthday.”  Everyone was super warm and welcoming. I got name overloaded in the first couple of minutes. Because being off drugs and almost all alcohol fro five weeks gave me such clarity, i am inclined to hang on to it and not slip back into getting fuckd up to deal with life. I thought i had a grip–after all, i wasnt in a ditch, i wasn’t stinking drunk, i wasn’t experiencing medical issues, i didn’t freak out not having drugs in me on vacation for over a month . I was getting to work early, making money, expanding programs associated with my camp, overall being a productive member of society. I was also having a couple of beers regularly between shifts and spending loads of money on ecstasy and not at all dealing with reality.  This is all part of step one–getting the fuck out of detail about your addiction. Still, maybe this is part of that denial, but i can pick up or put down any substance when i set my mind to it so im not convinced im an alcoholic.  Im going to humor my therapist, however,  and pretend that i am and see how it goes. I dont have anything to lose from it, and i have loads to gain.  One thing i don’t want to do though is go around telling everyone.  Ive watched my friends be SO weird about folks who dont drink and drug anymore–like they FTFO about whether or not to have alcohol out at parties and FTFO about whether or not to discuss drug use, that kind of stuff. Drugs are all around me. Im in F&B. I can’t nor do i want to get out of F&B. My friends all drink and do drugs. Are they addicts?  Some are. Some just have a dysfunctional relationship with substances. But i dont want them adjusting their behavior for me. That is something i cant control–other people and so as the serenity prayer goes, not something im supposed to be worried about.

Anyway, so here are all these warm fuzzies bouncing around this room, and im nodding my head along with everything being said and overall, i had an enjoyable time listening to folks and drinking coffee. Some ladies came up to me after the meeting to offer their phone numbers and told me to call any time. One guy said, “get hooked up with the women.” And the women were very eager to get me to the women’s group. The binary-ness and urge to lock me into gendered meetings really kinda rubbed me the wrong way. I have a friend in asheville that has told me about queer aa meetings, and im now very interested in that because binary bullshit makes me at best uncomfortable and at worst fucking suicidal. That is something i guess i will bring up later. I dont want that to serve as a deterrent to meetings so i won’t let it, but it is something i will need to talk to someone about eventually–sooner rather than later. The cool thing about going to these meetings is that i want my hostel that will eventually support my camp to be a space for aa meetings so maybe i can have a queer meeting there.

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