Good, Better, Best Jess

So, i left for a vacation, a sorta vacation–traveling alone and on a tight budget to strange places is more like a working adventure than it is leisure time.  It is still worth every penny because, if it goes right, it is transformative in only the ways that travel can be.  Here i am five weeks later, home and transformed, ready for further transformation.

What exactly would require transformation?  Well, as i just told my therapist yesterday, right before i left, I was doing ecstasy multiple times a week along with drinking every day which demonstartaed to me (as I’d already heard 20 years ago) that drugs and alcohol really do only numb and delay pain.  I cried for two weeks straight on “vacation.”  Ya cant go around it–ya gotta go through it.  So my therapist’s recommendation, and the only way she would take me on as a client, is for me to promise to abstain from drugs and alcohol and to attend AA/NA meetings while in therapy.  That is NOT what i wanted to hear. Yes, i wanted to maintain the clarity I’d achieved on my trip and yes, i had just said i want to be my better self, but what the FUCK?!Now im an alcoholic. “Um, I’m kind of resistant to that label.” “Yeah, we’re rebellious by nature and don’t want anyone telling us what to do.” The funny thing is I’d already considered going to meetings when i got home, just as a form of free therapy, but someone telling me i needed to go, well, that is a different thing altogether. However, i have always been drawn to doing things that are difficult and that i don’t necessarily want to do.

Today i will try out my first meeting. Well, my first meeting for myself–i went a long, long time ago with a girlfriend, and i just didn’t get it, and was not interested in the least to be sober anyway so i was like, “well, this is weird” and never went back. Looking forward to not being my better self but my best self and since this is MY year, this seems like the time to do it, AND and no one ever said the path towards that was going to be easy or how i imagined so i t seems right to examine this path that someone else, an objective observer is pointing me to

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