Hemming It Up

I really wanted to when i left my partner in November make it as painless as possible. I dated a woman once who discussed our breakup and helped me ease out of it in the kindest and gentlest way. She is a therapist though so she has a leg up on those kinds of endeavors. Whenever I’ve tried to perform similar magic, it was met with resistance and only recently have i realized i just have to plow right through the pain rather than dancing and tiptoeing around i, at least in this instance because, damn, we have been fizzling out and fucking around with separating for half a year. The worst is over as of yesterday because my ex and i disclosed to each other that we are seeing other people. I knew that she was but she just couldnt come out and say it which was frustrating to me. We live in a small town so everyone has to get along and im a firm believer in love and acceptance conquering ot things, especially stupid things like jealousy–even if it means i have to se my ex girlfriend, whom i had plans to marry and raise children with, frollock around town with another boy. He is a nice boy, the one she is seeing now, and he comes into both places i work so i sent him a facebook message that i dont want him to feel weird around me and that i hope that he can offer my ex girlfriend some sunshine in her life. But now that all this info has been disclosed, my ex girlfriend has put up another wall. She hugged me bye after our talk and said everything is fine, but she isn’t speaking to me. Again. It hurts so badly, and it mademe want to boot five beers around 4pm yesterday, but I didnt and instead i called a friend and said, “i need you for a few minutes.” And talking with her made me realize I have to accept that my ex has different ways of everything which is why we didn’t work out, and that i need to leave her alone if we are to eventually be the friends i want us to be right now.  Ugh. Patience.

And then on my end of things, along comes ms perfect. Fuck. My therapist has just told me to stay single for at LEAST 6 months. But this person, on paper, is seriously perfect. Imessaged her on a whim through OkCupid cuz, ya know, she’d  looked at my profile (which is a fucking work of art!) and liked it and so i initiated some discussion about the ATL. It has gone so amazingly from there that it is hard to believe and i don’t want to jinx it, but she is coming here this weekend to meet me, an i am soooooooooo excited. I did mention right off the bat that i was hemming up the ends of a breakup and that was something that required some heavy talk, but in an afternoon’s time, we worked through it, and i was like, damn, am i kookie for being so emotionally invested in this person already? Ive never experienced something quite like that. I mean the compatibility is strangely high, and im so stoked to see if the cyber version of compatibility translates to reality. If it does, then I dont want to wait on “good timing,” I can’t. I can’t pass up an amazing person bc, geez, i have this arbitrary time frame im working with, but i do want to be mindful about the entire thing because i do not want to bring emotional garbage into a new relationship. I don;t want to vent to this new person about the old person and lately i havent even talked to my mom about the old person. I do want to give my mom time to grieve or process my last relationship because she was extremely invested in my ex girlfriend and it isn’t fair just to be like “well, here is the new one, mom, gtfover it!” So, im stoked about the weekend, the happiness that it will bring, and im writing when the waves of sadness crash on the rocks. The worst is over. The best is yet to come.


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