So, im 11 days sober, and pretty sure im not an alcoholic, BUT like, i said at the outset of this particular blog project, I’m trying to be a best version of me. I was a good jess, im now a better jess, and im pursuing the best jess. It can’t be unattainable. Because there is some superlative version of me. I am currently best ive ever been which is cool, but I still haven’t reached the best–my full potential. I wonder if i just morph into light at that point. The gospel of thomas describes people doing good things as lights in the world, and ive latched onto step 6 as my favorite because eradicating character defects is something im very interested in because character defects are an obstacle to doing good and therefore an obstacle to being a light in this dark world.
With my fixation on step 6 in my brain, i headed to my third meeting at noon today, and the round robin reading was about guesswhat–STEP 6! Yay!after a kinda crazy week where i have felt deeply misunderstood on more than one occasion, i have lifted up my character defects to my higher power bc im like “is this misunderstanding ME or is it everyone else?” I believe that if im guided by my heart and act purely out of love, im doing the right thing even if I AM misunderstood. But i guess bad Christians use that argument as well when they are oppressing others.
3b: When you understand yourselves you will be understood. And you will realize that you are children of the living father. If you do not know yourselves, then you exist in poverty and you are that poverty.
I want to be a spiritual adult. I’ve been working on this goal for years and years and years now, like, since early childhood. Impulsiveness hinders me. Being compulsively impulsive is one of my character defects. I have an almost irresistible urge to be reactive in situations but ive also worked really hard on getting that under control the last few years and have it down to a manageable level at this point. That shit is related to anxiety so probably every little thing i would consider a character defect stems from anxiety. Being elitist/judgmental/critical–i have to work on that, but when i am critical i ATL least try to have an alternative plan to whatever im criticizing. And vanity/hubris is another defect. Self awareness of these things was one major turning point THEN learning through therapy how to address them was another turning point, leveling up. AA, meditation, therapy, taking a break from the party scene, all these are tools in the bag for self improvement which like most everything else is a journey not a destination.