Google Isn’t Helpful

when your search parameters are, “i married someone i met from the internet after meeting them in-person three times they are the primary caregiver for their dying mom and i need help helping them.”Zero results. I havent even entered that into a search but i know what the answer will be. Im dealing with a paroxysmic fit of hot+cold, passsionate+dispassionate, engaged+aloof. I know that people have issues even when they don’t take care of a dying parent full time, so separating out situational versus permanent behaviors is my challenge atm. I dont know outside of about 6 weeks how this person i married behaves normally. It has been nice to see her interact with her family because i can gauge their reactions to her behavior and compare them to my own. Her brother’s girlfriend is very smart, sweet, and talkative. I like her a lot and think she will be a great resource in understanding my wife and cultivating patience for that process. 

I wonder if like most other folks, there was this initial intrigue–i sleep in a hammock, im an ascetic, i am a libertarian jesus-loving queer activist–but now this person wants to change me or just doesnt want anything to do with me. I feel a very common sense of rejection. Is this where her insecurities are bumping into my own? Like, I’m trying to imagine what i would do if i were my wife, and i would be acting very differently so im not sure what im supposed to do. My instinct is to run, to go back home and my intuition is all out of whack. Im reeling–like when you’re in a dark ocean and trying to figure out which way is up. I cannot get my bearings. This trip has been weird, unsettling, disappointing, exciting, happy, heavy, fun. I have no idea what im doing. I am just trying my best to be even-keeled, happy, sympathetic, and supportive without losing myself–again. 

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