Even though i am referencing the eclipse and am pretty sure im writing on this blog again because of the eclipse happening a few days ago. THAT is a thing–am i different because the eclipse happened or am i different because of the suggestion that i might be different after the eclipse because i heard it would be transformative? IDK. I was pretty subdued yesterday as well as on tuesday, but in contrast to monday, i guess it was just normal. ANYWAY…
I am getting a divorce. My wife refuses to communicate in a pleasant or even effective fashion. “Sign this paperwork and get it back to me or i will have the sheriff serve you.” ok, and i will point out something incorrect on the paperwork (like my fucking legal name) that had she just picked up the phone and asked me, she could have saved herself the time required to now REfile for divorce. Her refusal to be pleasant and unnecessarily go right to “i will have the sheriff serve you” three times now and not answer my questions about the paperwork i am supposed to get notarized and signed has, in turn, made me not want to interact with her at all; so, I finally told her, “hey, im obviously not moving quickly enough for you so go ahead and do it on your time schedule with the sheriff serving me and what not.” For some reason that put her into a fury. I think she thinks i am going to try to go after her recent inheritance from her mother’s death. That is the only thing that makes sense. Well, and the fact that she turned out to be an emotionally abusive. I dont want anything from this person except to not be married which will be a year and a day from he day we got married.–woo hoo May 6th 2018!
I reestablished an okcupid account to find queers and friends and maybe love or something like it. I guess i coulda been easily jaded from this last experience, but I met a friend on there sometime in july and they are coming to meet me in-person this weekend. We are both gender neutral, both getting a divorce from emotionally abusive people we met on the internet, both of us are vegan, we both like yoga, and both of us are just generally sweet people with a mutual crush. It sounds, too, like we both come from upper middle class backgrounds. Unpacking that one is a lifelong experience. Anyway, that is going on, and has been something fun to look forward to.
On the ex girlfriend front–the girl i dated for three years whom i upset a lot when i got married, not talking to her at the moment. She did finally use the correct pronouns with me once last week. There was this flat out refusal: “you’re a girl. I used o fuck your vagina.” Then i started to call her the wrong name, mainly “asshole.” “That’s not my name.” “Those arent my pronouns.” It didn’t take long to get a they/them/theirs outta her after that . I asked for some closure in that relationship a couple of weeks ago. This person said to me this past saturday, “you want an apology and you aren’t getting that.” Alrighty then. So, for some reason(s) i have two people in my life that i have to accept that i may never get closure with and move the fuck on. Since the eclipse, acceptance of those situations has been easier. I was crying almost daily over it and now it’s like. Meh. Actual or suggested? *shrugs*
I am in a new house. I love it. It is old and open and comfy and close to main st and has a beautiful back yard and my good friends are over a lot. Speaking of friends, i have a pile of the best folks in life ever that i call my friends. Some are normal and a stabilizing force. Some are out there like i am and encourage the weirdness.
Ive been doing yoga regularly for almost 5 months now. It shows. I have toned up, lost weight, and can do things with my body i couldnt even a couple of weeks ago. I have the hots for my teacher who is a good friend and we kissed on a hike recently which was super cool and unexpected. Cool because it was unexpected? Or cool because it was sober and in the woods and sweet? Idk.
In two weeks i go visit a person i used to date and love a lot. I actually said to this person after my marriage went to shit that always being in love with them was problematic for my relationships. But it is only problematic when those relationships are with jealous people who want conventional relationships. I have to make sure from now on that I don’t set myself up for failure from the get go by pursuing “normal.” I also want to date people who I’m friends with and when i say “date,” i dont mean like date in the normal sense either. I mean like friend time and if that friend time ends up being super friendly then whatever, cool.
Im trying to think of a picture to include with this post that would sum up the last month and a half. Probably the picture a coworker caught of Catherine Keener grabbing me and kissing me on the head–one of the only times i would be ok with a stranger grabbing and kissing me EVER. I mean, i had JUST said I’d bang her. It’s like she KNEW.