The Unbinding Continues

Part of my journey has been realizing when i am doing weird attachment things with people. I’ve been reading here and there about unhealthy attachments, and when i went to baltimore this past weekend, i read a snippet of my friend’s book on various attachments. A couple of things dawned on me between reading that book for a few minutes on saturday morning and leaving baltimore on sunday afternoon–first, that i had developed very strong feelings for a person i am currently seeing–love+in love+eat them up with a spoon-type situation, and second, i felt unbound from the less-than-healthy fixation I’ve had on the person i went to visit in baltimore. One type of dysfunctional attachment (in a nutshell) is “the one” type situation. Like, you put this person on a pedestal, you idealize your relationship with them, you pine for them in perpetuity, and if only you could be together (again), life would be perfect. So, this person in baltimore and i went on some dates back in 2013, and i just fell madly head over heels nucking futs crazy in love with her in the first instance that i saw her. My subatomic particles shook. It was a wild feeling, and i still vividly remember it. For the last 4.5 years i have remembered it and was very reluctant to let it go to the detriment of other relationships i have been in since that one–until this weekend. The cool thing was that this wasn’t even a conscious action–I woke up on sunday and just felt differently, freer and not like piney and whiny. I also dreamed i hacked a house guest of mine to death saturday night. With dreams like that, i have to understand im not actually wanting to kill someone (generally), and i took it as something in my life needed to die. Voila–this unhealthy attachment! With this unhealthy attachment over, i wanted to also make sure not to fixate on and kill with my care bear stare of love this person i am currently head over heels for. I got Tinder to deflect my energy a little bit–plus, i am pretty fucking interested in exploring things with folks that maybe i normally wouldnt pursue when my energy is all concentrated on one person. While i set a specific intention for my unbinding, i can’t even remember what it was, but i have been unbound from multiple things lately and along with that, i am seeking to fulfill my basic needs BEFORE using every ounce of energy i have to do things for other folks. It is kinda like the first wobbly steps on a balance beam–i don’t know what im doing and it isn’t comfortable. That has to mean it is growth, right? Or will result in growth? I am fine getting out of my comfort zone physically–like going to a country where the people don’t look like me and i don’t speak the language, but getting out of my own habits, that is some serious shit and i havent made many sincere attempts at that. It is time though–time for deep, drastic change, and everything that is occurring now is prepping me for and pushing me toward that.

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