I Don’t Even Want to Try to Make a Witty Eclipse Title

Even though i am referencing the eclipse and am pretty sure im writing on this blog again because of the eclipse happening a few days ago. THAT is a thing–am i different because the eclipse happened or am i different because of the suggestion that i might be different after the eclipse because i heard it would be transformative? IDK. I was pretty subdued yesterday as well as on tuesday, but in contrast to monday, i guess it was just normal. ANYWAY…

I am getting a divorce. My wife refuses to communicate in a pleasant or even effective fashion. “Sign this paperwork and get it back to me or i will have the sheriff serve you.” ok, and i will point out something incorrect on the paperwork (like my fucking legal name) that had she just picked up the phone and asked me, she could have saved herself the time required to now REfile for divorce. Her refusal to be pleasant and unnecessarily go right to “i will have the sheriff serve you” three times now and not answer my questions about the paperwork i am supposed to get notarized and signed has, in turn, made me not want to interact with her at all; so, I finally told her, “hey, im obviously not moving quickly enough for you so go ahead and do it on your time schedule with the sheriff serving me and what not.” For some reason that put her into a fury. I think she thinks i am going to try to go after her recent inheritance from her mother’s death. That is the only thing that makes sense. Well, and the fact that she turned out to be an emotionally abusive. I dont want anything from this person except to not be married which will be a year and a day from he day we got married.–woo hoo May 6th 2018!

I reestablished an okcupid account to find queers and friends and maybe love or something like it. I guess i coulda been easily jaded from this last experience, but I met a friend on there sometime in july and they are coming to meet me in-person this weekend. We are both gender neutral, both getting a divorce from emotionally abusive people we met on the internet, both of us are vegan, we both like yoga, and both of us are just generally sweet people with a mutual crush. It sounds, too, like we both come from upper middle class backgrounds. Unpacking that one is a lifelong experience. Anyway, that is going on, and has been something fun to look forward to.

On the ex girlfriend front–the girl i dated for three years whom i upset a lot when i got married, not talking to her at the moment. She did finally use the correct pronouns with me once last week. There was this flat out refusal: “you’re a girl. I used o fuck your vagina.” Then i started to call her the wrong name, mainly “asshole.” “That’s not my name.” “Those arent my pronouns.” It didn’t take long to get a they/them/theirs outta her after that . I asked for some closure in that relationship a couple of weeks ago. This person said to me this past saturday, “you want an apology and you aren’t getting that.” Alrighty then. So, for some reason(s) i have two people in my life that i have to accept that i may never get closure with and move the fuck on. Since the eclipse, acceptance of those situations has been easier. I was crying almost daily over it and now it’s like. Meh. Actual or suggested? *shrugs*

I am in a new house. I love it. It is old and open and comfy and close to main st and has a beautiful back yard and my good friends are over a lot. Speaking of friends, i have a pile of the best folks in life ever that i call my friends. Some are normal and a stabilizing force. Some are out there like i am and encourage the weirdness.

Ive been doing yoga regularly for almost 5 months now. It shows. I have toned up, lost weight, and can do things with my body i couldnt even a couple of weeks ago. I have the hots for my teacher who is a good friend and we kissed on a hike recently which was super cool and unexpected. Cool because it was unexpected? Or cool because it was sober and in the woods and sweet? Idk.

In two weeks i go visit a person i used to date and love a lot. I actually said to this person after my marriage went to shit that always being in love with them was problematic for my relationships. But it is only problematic when those relationships are with jealous people who want conventional relationships. I have to make sure from now on that I don’t set myself up for failure from the get go by pursuing “normal.” I also want to date people who I’m friends with and when i say “date,” i dont mean like date in the normal sense either. I mean like friend time and if that friend time ends up being super friendly then whatever, cool.

Im trying to think of a picture to include with this post that would sum up the last month and a half. Probably the picture a coworker caught of Catherine Keener grabbing me and kissing me on the head–one of the only times i would be ok with a stranger grabbing and kissing me EVER. I mean, i had JUST said I’d bang her. It’s like she KNEW.

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90 Day Probationary Period 

I mean, it would be really cool if North Carolina would give me an annulment but it doesn look likely. It seems that if you don’t even have time to get a good wedding ring tan line before your marriage falls apart, you should be granted an annulment. Or just a general 90-day probationary period would be nice too. OR i could have also not been an idiot and married someone i knew for a month. Onward+upward. 

“Because You’re Human.”

I am having a really easy time being a vegan right now. I am having a very difficult time motivating myself to run in the mornings right now. A few weeks ago, it was the reverse. I’m also drinking every day. A few weeks ago i wasn’t. I pretty much always manage to get to yoga 3 times a week, but that is because my teacher is hot. Why can’t i always be a vegan yogi sober runner? “Because you’re human,” my wife told me today. 

They/Them/Theirs

I have been experiencing a visceral reaction to being called “she” the last couple of weeks. Prior to now, i hve enjoyed being the in between where i don’t have a pronoun preference; so, im confused with this sudden changed and troubled because it feels misogynistic to dislike being referred to with feminine pronouns.  I don’t even really like “he,” but it is better than “she.” “They” is now truly my preference.

I think this stems from my parents’ journey and my journey that occasionally overlaps theirs. They do things like ask my PGPs and then in the next breath they deadname me. They are almost ready in the ready willing and able trifecta of progress. I slipped my mother a little more gender info via aydian dowling YouTube videos. 

My Wife Came to Visit

After 12 days apart, my wife came up to see me. It was good for her to escape her stark reality and it was good for us to have a weekend basically alone together. Outside of meeting my parents over breakfast and hopping over to the wine shop for a second, we did nothing except eat, fuck, and watch OITNB. It was wonderful. 

Google Isn’t Helpful

when your search parameters are, “i married someone i met from the internet after meeting them in-person three times they are the primary caregiver for their dying mom and i need help helping them.”Zero results. I havent even entered that into a search but i know what the answer will be. Im dealing with a paroxysmic fit of hot+cold, passsionate+dispassionate, engaged+aloof. I know that people have issues even when they don’t take care of a dying parent full time, so separating out situational versus permanent behaviors is my challenge atm. I dont know outside of about 6 weeks how this person i married behaves normally. It has been nice to see her interact with her family because i can gauge their reactions to her behavior and compare them to my own. Her brother’s girlfriend is very smart, sweet, and talkative. I like her a lot and think she will be a great resource in understanding my wife and cultivating patience for that process. 

I wonder if like most other folks, there was this initial intrigue–i sleep in a hammock, im an ascetic, i am a libertarian jesus-loving queer activist–but now this person wants to change me or just doesnt want anything to do with me. I feel a very common sense of rejection. Is this where her insecurities are bumping into my own? Like, I’m trying to imagine what i would do if i were my wife, and i would be acting very differently so im not sure what im supposed to do. My instinct is to run, to go back home and my intuition is all out of whack. Im reeling–like when you’re in a dark ocean and trying to figure out which way is up. I cannot get my bearings. This trip has been weird, unsettling, disappointing, exciting, happy, heavy, fun. I have no idea what im doing. I am just trying my best to be even-keeled, happy, sympathetic, and supportive without losing myself–again. 

Three Weeks

Im still married. I got married three weeks and one day ago, and so far, it has stuck. My wife lives three hours from me and we just saw each other last night for the first time in 19 days. My joke to folks who ask me how married life is going is, “it’s GREAT–my wife lives in atlanta so we get along just fine.” The reality is much different. I have loads of things going on at home–two jobs and a few community projects. But i miss going to bed on a regular basis with the person i love. We decided not to have so much time in between visits anymore. It was really hard to navigate our own insecurities plus the curve balls life regularly throws plus this one sustained curve ball my wife has going on in her life–taking care of her dying mom–is really taking a toll. My mom was in the same place a little over ten years ago taking care of her stage four cancer mom for months. She called up my wife to chat about it last week and both of them are now really excited to meet the other in-person.  What has been the biggest hurdle for us is all our individual emotional crap mixed in with life stuff mixed in with learning each other mixed in with distance. Navigating your own neurotic bullshit is one thing. Navigating yours+someone else’s+the combination of those is whoaaaaaa, especially when you dont have the option to reach over and hug it out. However, not being able to reach over and hug it out has forced me into better (read: kinder, clearer, more effective) communication. 
Something that has been on my plate at home but which i refuse to drag into my new relationship is reactionary bullshit from my ex girlfriend. This person was indecisive and non committal about getting back together OR even about having an open relationship AND just has a problem with honesty so a couple of months ago, her behavior made it very easy to cut ties and move on once i was presented with the opportunity of a relationship that had greater potential than this previous one ever would. However, my ex fails to see her part in the erosion of my affection for her and every eek or so i am the target of her ire. It is usually alcohol-induced. She also thinks i am faking my happiness. She told a mutual friend of our that she believes the whole me being happy is an act. Whoa. I guess though if you’re an inauthentic person, you assume that everyone is capable of that. Im not. I can’t be fake at all. And after being with someone for three years, i would think they would know that i couldnt be fake. I was dumbfounded when i learned this yesterday. And sad. Her reluctance to accept her part, to blame me for breaking her heart, and telling me she will never forgive me–those things make me sad because they only hurt her. I do also feel sad for the boy who is trying to date her. He likes her a lot but her mind is obviously elsewhere. Im fighting the urge to fix this. I cant and it isn’t my place anyway.