I wrote a note to myself earlier this year about it being MY year, the year of the rooster, the year to make all of my dreams come true, the year to accomplish all my goals. Well, i got really excited about that and I made a lot of assumptions about what all that means. And now, im about half way through the year and am reflecting on maybe some poor/hasty decisions. At the same time, i am SO elated at where i am RIGHT NOW. Strangeness. It just always seems you (not you necessarily but me for sure) have to go through bullshit to get to the goodness. Idk. It seems like at this point i would have something figured out but i reckon i have nothing figured out–which is fine. I am still trying to figure it out. Maybe that pursuit is pointless. I mean, i pursued what i thought my dreams were this year–getting married was a big one. What a disaster. But that disaster led me to this moment in time where i am appreciative of my friends, i am loosening unhealthy attachments, i am about to start promoting my children’s book, i am promoting my non profit, i got to preside over a wedding between my good friends, i am about to go visit my godson in a month, and i have met a buddy that i am ecstatic about. I thought my therapist was totally full of it when he told me that i would meet someone who would check off all the boxes. I thought for sure that was a pipe dream but it turns out it isn’t. Now i just have to manage my expectations and attachments so i don’t destroy this awesome thing. So maybe my year isn’t to pursue what i think my dreams are but to pursue god’s plan for me, and that listening better to god, being present, being mindful is all part of that. Idk.
For a while now i have been dreading getting served my divorce papers because whenever i would hear from my wife, i would lose my shit. After my unbinding ritual, that feeling of losing my shit in relation to my wife’s contact went away, and i have experienced neutral reactions to her contact–for the most part. Thursday morning, I scheduled a tattoo appointment for the evening time, and after work, went home to clean the house and relax. Right before i was about to leave the house for my appointment, a sheriff’s deputy came by to serve me my divorce papers. I told him my legal name was not anywhere on the paperwork, and he didn’t seem to worry about that. Idk. He was willing to take a picture which i thought was nice, and he knew where I worked because he’d just served someone there the previous night. Anyway, i don’t believe that a notary is going to let me sign this copy i received because it isn’t me and it would not undo a marriage because on paper, legally, i am not this particular name. Im going to print out this form again and put my legal name on it and get it notarized and return it to this person. Otherwise, after all this bs, i might not be actually divorced come next may. So, i went and got my fingers tattooed. It didn’t work out in Baltimore for a couple of reasons it seems–first off, too much money, and secondly, i wasn’t so sure of the font i wanted. It came to me when i made my appointment that i wanted a person i am seeing to write it out for me and that i would use their personal font. They are going through a much worse divorce than i am so it is like homage to their struggle and my weird, permanent way of having their mark on me. Without consultation, they wrote the phrase exactly how i envisioned it. It didn’t take long to whip out this phrase on my knuckles and i was showing it off by 9pm. Right before i went to bed, I asked the person im seeing how it feels to have their handwriting on someone FOREVER and they said, “it feels nice, buddy.”
Part of my journey has been realizing when i am doing weird attachment things with people. I’ve been reading here and there about unhealthy attachments, and when i went to baltimore this past weekend, i read a snippet of my friend’s book on various attachments. A couple of things dawned on me between reading that book for a few minutes on saturday morning and leaving baltimore on sunday afternoon–first, that i had developed very strong feelings for a person i am currently seeing–love+in love+eat them up with a spoon-type situation, and second, i felt unbound from the less-than-healthy fixation I’ve had on the person i went to visit in baltimore. One type of dysfunctional attachment (in a nutshell) is “the one” type situation. Like, you put this person on a pedestal, you idealize your relationship with them, you pine for them in perpetuity, and if only you could be together (again), life would be perfect. So, this person in baltimore and i went on some dates back in 2013, and i just fell madly head over heels nucking futs crazy in love with her in the first instance that i saw her. My subatomic particles shook. It was a wild feeling, and i still vividly remember it. For the last 4.5 years i have remembered it and was very reluctant to let it go to the detriment of other relationships i have been in since that one–until this weekend. The cool thing was that this wasn’t even a conscious action–I woke up on sunday and just felt differently, freer and not like piney and whiny. I also dreamed i hacked a house guest of mine to death saturday night. With dreams like that, i have to understand im not actually wanting to kill someone (generally), and i took it as something in my life needed to die. Voila–this unhealthy attachment! With this unhealthy attachment over, i wanted to also make sure not to fixate on and kill with my care bear stare of love this person i am currently head over heels for. I got Tinder to deflect my energy a little bit–plus, i am pretty fucking interested in exploring things with folks that maybe i normally wouldnt pursue when my energy is all concentrated on one person. While i set a specific intention for my unbinding, i can’t even remember what it was, but i have been unbound from multiple things lately and along with that, i am seeking to fulfill my basic needs BEFORE using every ounce of energy i have to do things for other folks. It is kinda like the first wobbly steps on a balance beam–i don’t know what im doing and it isn’t comfortable. That has to mean it is growth, right? Or will result in growth? I am fine getting out of my comfort zone physically–like going to a country where the people don’t look like me and i don’t speak the language, but getting out of my own habits, that is some serious shit and i havent made many sincere attempts at that. It is time though–time for deep, drastic change, and everything that is occurring now is prepping me for and pushing me toward that.
While i have traveled a lot of places, i think when i say what i do in these places, i might come across as rather boring. I talk to people. I write postcards. I get lost. I relax in ways im unable to at home. This first voyage to baltimore to see a good friend was EXACTLY what i needed after figuring out my root chakra is blocked/unbalanced. Rest, red, and food were the cures and so i slept a lot, wore red a lot, stood in my friend’s kitchen looking at all her red refrigerators magnets a lot, and ate loads of the best vegan food I’ve ever had. Scientifically speaking, i cant say i have improved but in a very unscientific gauging of how i feel, i think im ready to take on the world again–perhaps reminding myself occasionally that meeting my basic needs should be priority number 1. Or maybe i just need to travel more to stay balanced.
Since the eclipse and an unbinding ritual a few days after that, i have felt quite…unbound. Like, last week, following the unbinding ritual’s conclusion, i started emoting like a motherfucker and cried basically all week–from monday-friday. But like my winter trip cries, this was a good thing–release. I feel pretty great now. A “test” of this change came up sunday when my mother flipped out on me and i did not react. Usually i flip out right back on her and then I’m left feeling like a schmucketty schmuck even if i didn’t start the row. This time, i was like, “well, dang, look at that flip out happen, and i have nothing to do with it.” That was nice. It sucks my mom was upset but it was nice to not feed into the frenzy.
I am really excited about my new friend and their dog. They have come to visit me a couple of times now. The communication and comfort and attraction is something i have wished for in relationships but never been able to provide on my own end and so it never manifested itself on the other end either. But after years of therapy and good friends and luck, i have come across a person that i hope stays in my life for a long time and am excited for what comes of that relationship. We camped in my yard sunday. It was cold outside and hot in the tent. I hate tents. But it was probably the best time i have ever had in a tent and makes me ok with being in tents again (as opposed to hammocks–the ubermensch way!)
I fly to baltimore thursday and hopefully Irma doesnt fuck that up for me because that is going to be a fun time with a person i love dearly. I am getting to meet a woman she is dating, get to go to a porn festival, and i might get finger tattoos! Yayyy! I also get to visit baltimore which i havent before so that’s cool.
Even though i am referencing the eclipse and am pretty sure im writing on this blog again because of the eclipse happening a few days ago. THAT is a thing–am i different because the eclipse happened or am i different because of the suggestion that i might be different after the eclipse because i heard it would be transformative? IDK. I was pretty subdued yesterday as well as on tuesday, but in contrast to monday, i guess it was just normal. ANYWAY…
I am getting a divorce. My wife refuses to communicate in a pleasant or even effective fashion. “Sign this paperwork and get it back to me or i will have the sheriff serve you.” ok, and i will point out something incorrect on the paperwork (like my fucking legal name) that had she just picked up the phone and asked me, she could have saved herself the time required to now REfile for divorce. Her refusal to be pleasant and unnecessarily go right to “i will have the sheriff serve you” three times now and not answer my questions about the paperwork i am supposed to get notarized and signed has, in turn, made me not want to interact with her at all; so, I finally told her, “hey, im obviously not moving quickly enough for you so go ahead and do it on your time schedule with the sheriff serving me and what not.” For some reason that put her into a fury. I think she thinks i am going to try to go after her recent inheritance from her mother’s death. That is the only thing that makes sense. Well, and the fact that she turned out to be an emotionally abusive. I dont want anything from this person except to not be married which will be a year and a day from he day we got married.–woo hoo May 6th 2018!
I reestablished an okcupid account to find queers and friends and maybe love or something like it. I guess i coulda been easily jaded from this last experience, but I met a friend on there sometime in july and they are coming to meet me in-person this weekend. We are both gender neutral, both getting a divorce from emotionally abusive people we met on the internet, both of us are vegan, we both like yoga, and both of us are just generally sweet people with a mutual crush. It sounds, too, like we both come from upper middle class backgrounds. Unpacking that one is a lifelong experience. Anyway, that is going on, and has been something fun to look forward to.
On the ex girlfriend front–the girl i dated for three years whom i upset a lot when i got married, not talking to her at the moment. She did finally use the correct pronouns with me once last week. There was this flat out refusal: “you’re a girl. I used o fuck your vagina.” Then i started to call her the wrong name, mainly “asshole.” “That’s not my name.” “Those arent my pronouns.” It didn’t take long to get a they/them/theirs outta her after that . I asked for some closure in that relationship a couple of weeks ago. This person said to me this past saturday, “you want an apology and you aren’t getting that.” Alrighty then. So, for some reason(s) i have two people in my life that i have to accept that i may never get closure with and move the fuck on. Since the eclipse, acceptance of those situations has been easier. I was crying almost daily over it and now it’s like. Meh. Actual or suggested? *shrugs*
I am in a new house. I love it. It is old and open and comfy and close to main st and has a beautiful back yard and my good friends are over a lot. Speaking of friends, i have a pile of the best folks in life ever that i call my friends. Some are normal and a stabilizing force. Some are out there like i am and encourage the weirdness.
Ive been doing yoga regularly for almost 5 months now. It shows. I have toned up, lost weight, and can do things with my body i couldnt even a couple of weeks ago. I have the hots for my teacher who is a good friend and we kissed on a hike recently which was super cool and unexpected. Cool because it was unexpected? Or cool because it was sober and in the woods and sweet? Idk.
In two weeks i go visit a person i used to date and love a lot. I actually said to this person after my marriage went to shit that always being in love with them was problematic for my relationships. But it is only problematic when those relationships are with jealous people who want conventional relationships. I have to make sure from now on that I don’t set myself up for failure from the get go by pursuing “normal.” I also want to date people who I’m friends with and when i say “date,” i dont mean like date in the normal sense either. I mean like friend time and if that friend time ends up being super friendly then whatever, cool.
Im trying to think of a picture to include with this post that would sum up the last month and a half. Probably the picture a coworker caught of Catherine Keener grabbing me and kissing me on the head–one of the only times i would be ok with a stranger grabbing and kissing me EVER. I mean, i had JUST said I’d bang her. It’s like she KNEW.
I mean, it would be really cool if North Carolina would give me an annulment but it doesn look likely. It seems that if you don’t even have time to get a good wedding ring tan line before your marriage falls apart, you should be granted an annulment. Or just a general 90-day probationary period would be nice too. OR i could have also not been an idiot and married someone i knew for a month. Onward+upward.