I Don’t Even Want to Try to Make a Witty Eclipse Title

Even though i am referencing the eclipse and am pretty sure im writing on this blog again because of the eclipse happening a few days ago. THAT is a thing–am i different because the eclipse happened or am i different because of the suggestion that i might be different after the eclipse because i heard it would be transformative? IDK. I was pretty subdued yesterday as well as on tuesday, but in contrast to monday, i guess it was just normal. ANYWAY…

I am getting a divorce. My wife refuses to communicate in a pleasant or even effective fashion. “Sign this paperwork and get it back to me or i will have the sheriff serve you.” ok, and i will point out something incorrect on the paperwork (like my fucking legal name) that had she just picked up the phone and asked me, she could have saved herself the time required to now REfile for divorce. Her refusal to be pleasant and unnecessarily go right to “i will have the sheriff serve you” three times now and not answer my questions about the paperwork i am supposed to get notarized and signed has, in turn, made me not want to interact with her at all; so, I finally told her, “hey, im obviously not moving quickly enough for you so go ahead and do it on your time schedule with the sheriff serving me and what not.” For some reason that put her into a fury. I think she thinks i am going to try to go after her recent inheritance from her mother’s death. That is the only thing that makes sense. Well, and the fact that she turned out to be an emotionally abusive. I dont want anything from this person except to not be married which will be a year and a day from he day we got married.–woo hoo May 6th 2018!

I reestablished an okcupid account to find queers and friends and maybe love or something like it. I guess i coulda been easily jaded from this last experience, but I met a friend on there sometime in july and they are coming to meet me in-person this weekend. We are both gender neutral, both getting a divorce from emotionally abusive people we met on the internet, both of us are vegan, we both like yoga, and both of us are just generally sweet people with a mutual crush. It sounds, too, like we both come from upper middle class backgrounds. Unpacking that one is a lifelong experience. Anyway, that is going on, and has been something fun to look forward to.

On the ex girlfriend front–the girl i dated for three years whom i upset a lot when i got married, not talking to her at the moment. She did finally use the correct pronouns with me once last week. There was this flat out refusal: “you’re a girl. I used o fuck your vagina.” Then i started to call her the wrong name, mainly “asshole.” “That’s not my name.” “Those arent my pronouns.” It didn’t take long to get a they/them/theirs outta her after that . I asked for some closure in that relationship a couple of weeks ago. This person said to me this past saturday, “you want an apology and you aren’t getting that.” Alrighty then. So, for some reason(s) i have two people in my life that i have to accept that i may never get closure with and move the fuck on. Since the eclipse, acceptance of those situations has been easier. I was crying almost daily over it and now it’s like. Meh. Actual or suggested? *shrugs*

I am in a new house. I love it. It is old and open and comfy and close to main st and has a beautiful back yard and my good friends are over a lot. Speaking of friends, i have a pile of the best folks in life ever that i call my friends. Some are normal and a stabilizing force. Some are out there like i am and encourage the weirdness.

Ive been doing yoga regularly for almost 5 months now. It shows. I have toned up, lost weight, and can do things with my body i couldnt even a couple of weeks ago. I have the hots for my teacher who is a good friend and we kissed on a hike recently which was super cool and unexpected. Cool because it was unexpected? Or cool because it was sober and in the woods and sweet? Idk.

In two weeks i go visit a person i used to date and love a lot. I actually said to this person after my marriage went to shit that always being in love with them was problematic for my relationships. But it is only problematic when those relationships are with jealous people who want conventional relationships. I have to make sure from now on that I don’t set myself up for failure from the get go by pursuing “normal.” I also want to date people who I’m friends with and when i say “date,” i dont mean like date in the normal sense either. I mean like friend time and if that friend time ends up being super friendly then whatever, cool.

Im trying to think of a picture to include with this post that would sum up the last month and a half. Probably the picture a coworker caught of Catherine Keener grabbing me and kissing me on the head–one of the only times i would be ok with a stranger grabbing and kissing me EVER. I mean, i had JUST said I’d bang her. It’s like she KNEW.

Google Isn’t Helpful

when your search parameters are, “i married someone i met from the internet after meeting them in-person three times they are the primary caregiver for their dying mom and i need help helping them.”Zero results. I havent even entered that into a search but i know what the answer will be. Im dealing with a paroxysmic fit of hot+cold, passsionate+dispassionate, engaged+aloof. I know that people have issues even when they don’t take care of a dying parent full time, so separating out situational versus permanent behaviors is my challenge atm. I dont know outside of about 6 weeks how this person i married behaves normally. It has been nice to see her interact with her family because i can gauge their reactions to her behavior and compare them to my own. Her brother’s girlfriend is very smart, sweet, and talkative. I like her a lot and think she will be a great resource in understanding my wife and cultivating patience for that process. 

I wonder if like most other folks, there was this initial intrigue–i sleep in a hammock, im an ascetic, i am a libertarian jesus-loving queer activist–but now this person wants to change me or just doesnt want anything to do with me. I feel a very common sense of rejection. Is this where her insecurities are bumping into my own? Like, I’m trying to imagine what i would do if i were my wife, and i would be acting very differently so im not sure what im supposed to do. My instinct is to run, to go back home and my intuition is all out of whack. Im reeling–like when you’re in a dark ocean and trying to figure out which way is up. I cannot get my bearings. This trip has been weird, unsettling, disappointing, exciting, happy, heavy, fun. I have no idea what im doing. I am just trying my best to be even-keeled, happy, sympathetic, and supportive without losing myself–again. 

Hemming It Up

I really wanted to when i left my partner in November make it as painless as possible. I dated a woman once who discussed our breakup and helped me ease out of it in the kindest and gentlest way. She is a therapist though so she has a leg up on those kinds of endeavors. Whenever I’ve tried to perform similar magic, it was met with resistance and only recently have i realized i just have to plow right through the pain rather than dancing and tiptoeing around i, at least in this instance because, damn, we have been fizzling out and fucking around with separating for half a year. The worst is over as of yesterday because my ex and i disclosed to each other that we are seeing other people. I knew that she was but she just couldnt come out and say it which was frustrating to me. We live in a small town so everyone has to get along and im a firm believer in love and acceptance conquering ot things, especially stupid things like jealousy–even if it means i have to se my ex girlfriend, whom i had plans to marry and raise children with, frollock around town with another boy. He is a nice boy, the one she is seeing now, and he comes into both places i work so i sent him a facebook message that i dont want him to feel weird around me and that i hope that he can offer my ex girlfriend some sunshine in her life. But now that all this info has been disclosed, my ex girlfriend has put up another wall. She hugged me bye after our talk and said everything is fine, but she isn’t speaking to me. Again. It hurts so badly, and it mademe want to boot five beers around 4pm yesterday, but I didnt and instead i called a friend and said, “i need you for a few minutes.” And talking with her made me realize I have to accept that my ex has different ways of everything which is why we didn’t work out, and that i need to leave her alone if we are to eventually be the friends i want us to be right now.  Ugh. Patience.

And then on my end of things, along comes ms perfect. Fuck. My therapist has just told me to stay single for at LEAST 6 months. But this person, on paper, is seriously perfect. Imessaged her on a whim through OkCupid cuz, ya know, she’d  looked at my profile (which is a fucking work of art!) and liked it and so i initiated some discussion about the ATL. It has gone so amazingly from there that it is hard to believe and i don’t want to jinx it, but she is coming here this weekend to meet me, an i am soooooooooo excited. I did mention right off the bat that i was hemming up the ends of a breakup and that was something that required some heavy talk, but in an afternoon’s time, we worked through it, and i was like, damn, am i kookie for being so emotionally invested in this person already? Ive never experienced something quite like that. I mean the compatibility is strangely high, and im so stoked to see if the cyber version of compatibility translates to reality. If it does, then I dont want to wait on “good timing,” I can’t. I can’t pass up an amazing person bc, geez, i have this arbitrary time frame im working with, but i do want to be mindful about the entire thing because i do not want to bring emotional garbage into a new relationship. I don;t want to vent to this new person about the old person and lately i havent even talked to my mom about the old person. I do want to give my mom time to grieve or process my last relationship because she was extremely invested in my ex girlfriend and it isn’t fair just to be like “well, here is the new one, mom, gtfover it!” So, im stoked about the weekend, the happiness that it will bring, and im writing when the waves of sadness crash on the rocks. The worst is over. The best is yet to come.