What the fuck do you do when your ex girlfriend who is kinda your neighbor now stops by while she is walking her boyfriend’s really cute dog and proceeds to tell you how not great their sex life is–like not the intensity and the frequency and vagina that she got when we were together. It made me sad. I was like, “hey, you should be honest with your boyfriend.” Nope. And then we had another run in shortly after that where i directly said, “you have a problem with honesty–it was an issue our entire 3 years together. Maybe you should be honest about the sex you want–you arent doing yourself or your boyfriend any favors.” She still refuses to go that route, and I’m still sad about it. But i am happy she returned my cast iron yesterday–i joke about it costing me 10 thousand dollars as that is what i paid for an engagement party+a diamond ring for a girl back in 2012. Gross.
Then there is the anxious-insecure attachment I transferred from one person to another. Energy isn’t destroyed, people. It can’t just go away. Now, I’m trying to fix this attachment issue instead of just going full steam ahead with an attachment disorder. I always called it “being too much,” and while it IS that, it is something i can fucking address and correct. Yay!
How to maintain authenticity+vulnerability through this thing called, “LIFE?” I thought my wife had killed all that was soft in me but really I’ve found i am just softer after all this bad experience. I made it! so i think being authentic+vulnerable will continue to come naturally and maybe even increase exponentially throughout my lifetime. I mailed back my wife’s wedding ring today as she requested in early september and supplied me with an SASE to do the deed. She requested the iphone she gave me back but fuck her–i use that thing and it was not given conditionally. She sent me a box or sercies I’d given her that she could have easily thrown in the garbage. What a fuck face.–like she took the time, energy, and money to mail me garbage. Crazy. Anyway, this is still my year, and maybe it is the year to end my attachment disorder. That’s a great goal.
Im really enjoying my ancient Scandinavian-influenced hairstyle and have gotten quite addicted to razoring the back of my head. It feels delightful. I also started treating myself to a weekly bath. Bubble trouble.
My professor buddy is sick and probably not going to make it here this weekend, which sucks because i took the whole thing off and it is high season BUT i have my two best buddies from 1st grade coming through so it isn’t a bust. I was gonna make my professor buddy a turnip turnover (turnipover?) but they wouldn’ta been able to eat it even if they were here. They have been sick for three fucking weeks now, and i gave them cold sores so everything is compounded. I was full disclosure right off the bat, back in august and i wan’t showing any symptoms when we last visited, but because their immune system was compromised from a general cold, they got the herp. And they got it badly. I was gonna go up there and take care of them, but they were like, “hey, uh-uh, i look a mess and i do not even want you to see me like this.” That made me sad. I want them to come here so they can be motivated to go (read: taken) to the doctor–like, denial and gender stuff will keep the smartest person out of the dr’s office, i get it. Ugh.
And then my mom who hasn’t apologized for the last shitty thing she did to me wants to know when im free this weekend. Technically all of it, but im not giving her that. Those people take too much out of me. That makes me sad. But I’m less sad about it than i am ecstatic that i don’t have as much of that energy suck going on.
Oh, and i met a sweet+hot+emotionally available therapist momdog rugby yoga person who works with kids aging out of foster care. Crushhhhhh.