PMS

I always experience a little pre menstrual angst+anxiety and kinda want to die for about a day, but this go-round, it’s, like, ramped up, man. I’ve cried off and on for days, plural, and found it difficult to talk myself down from the “you’re worthless and should probably just end it already,” thoughts that have crept into my head. I dont think it’s just a Cancer trait, to suck up that negativity and darkness with an “I’m fine,” and go on when you obviously arent, but ya know, as a Cancer who used to do this, and as someone who knows two other Cancers that do this, while willfully ignoring all my other buddies who do this that aren’t Cancers, my unscientific study is that of course, it is the crabs (and the occasional Sag) who “I’m fine” it through life while their worlds are burning. That’s actually neither here nor there, except to say that i wish folks wouldn’t do that no matter what their astrological sign is. Since I’ve learned to express my distress in a healthy way to my buddies, gah, life is so much better cuz i can just ask for help. Generally, i don’t need to but like the past few days, i felt overly burdened by my own rhinoceros dookie-sized pile of emotions, and dang if some buddies didn’t rescue the shit out of me. Haha–rescued the shit out of me. Rhinoceros dookie. Yeah, I’ll show myself out.

Along with not just saying “im fine,” ive also tried to be less analytical about things in general. Like, “why did i get married last may?” Actually, i was super analytical about that. And I’ve been super analytical about why this last bout of PMS has been such a rager. A few things come to mind–i cannot afford unlimited yoga right now. for nearly a year, i took 6-7 yoga classes a week. I think not being able to do that recently has caught up with me because what amazing healing and growth and calm comes from a regular yoga practice. This realization that yoga has had such positive effect on my overall health prompted me to be humble and volunteer in exchange for some yoga classes. So that’s one thing. Another thing is that I’ve had a shift in my core friend group. One buddy took a far off job for an indefinite amount of time. He and i spent the majority of our waking lives together and so there’s that void. Also, a buddy of mine that used to spend a lot of time with me pretty much disappeared off the face of the earth once her girlfriend moved to town. i rationally know this person is busy with life stuff, but it is another void I’m dealing with. I’ve made a point to say i miss this person’ s presence and they respond well to that, and i get to hang out with her sweet girlfriend now but still, a shift, something to get used to. Ive been drinking too much–another factor. Coming from the restaurant industry where no amount of alcohol consumption falls outside of the norm and still cavorting primarily with restaurant industry folks, coupled with our society’s normalization of alcohol abuse, it is easy to let myself get away with drinking amounts that i would definitely lie to a doctor about, ya know? What a bunch of empty calories and a potentially bad next day. So im cutting back on that and hopefully it’ll help–when i wake up after too much drinking, and that can mean as little as 3 drinks, i have full-blown anxiety attacks that remind me of when i was in charleston 15 years ago shoving all the cocaine up my nose. It’d benefit me to drink less for sure. Another factor is im going on dates with a person that has my head out of sorts. Like, i second guess my behavior and stress myself out that I’m saying or doing something dumb. I struggle with attachment vs connection in intimate relationships some times, and the last two folks i felt like this about really did a number on me, so im already bracing myself for pain that may or may not even happen just out of instinct and self-preservation. Realizing that is happening is super fucking helpful–thank you, amazing therapist. That bracing for hurt before it happens looks like anger. I get angry like pre angry and use that as an excuse to call the whole thing off. Ive managed to not be an idiot like that yet, and am trying my best to work out what normal looks like so that i can just breathe and be present. Not drinking as much helps with all that stuff too. I watched someone i was intimate with last year implode recently and i know for a fact their drinking contributed to their really nasty attitude.

Everything is awesome. Everything is fine. Im happy 99.99999% of the time and it’d be unfair and weird if i didn’t have to experience some darkness. Like, i have it SO good that i need a little reminder every once in a while of just how amazing that is.

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The 5th of May

One year ago today, i got married. Hopefully, in a few days, i will be divorced. Sometimes, i laugh about the whole thing. Today im kinda sad about it. Most of the time, im reminding myself of the lesson i finally teased out of the experience. From a very young age, finding someone to marry was my life’s obsession and motivated me towards all kinds of terrible decisions. Like moving places for people and being the support staff for other people’s dreams while ignoring the shit out of my own. I thought getting married would solve all of life’s problems. Like, I’d always have someone there to take care and who would also take care of me. And that all my anxieties would *poof* be gone. That did not happen when I finally did get married. What did happen though is that i am no longer propelled through life with this idiotic obsession and am for perhaps the first time in my existence living happy. I do what i want when i want and managed to create a beautiful community of folks that love and support me in all my endeavors. Ive evolved into a relationship anarchist where friendships are the goal, and i can’t conceive of another way of living my life these days, so, it’s a total win and today i really have to remind myself of that–being pre menstrual and a divorcee is like tryin hard to bum me out. I learned at short mt a few days ago to envision an unbroken version of yourself that exists in the fairy realm. That it walks with you and is a friend you can call on when everything sucks. Im glad at this moment to be aware of that option because i am like such a saddy mcsadpants right now, and feel needy and anxious and scared and like everything is wrong and i know very well that nothing is wrong in my life at ALL and this is just a temporary hormonal drop even though it feels like forever in this moment. I need to be meditating more and drinking less as one way to help myself and i need to be humble enough to ask for help from my buddies who so want to do anything in the world for me. I also need to right this second get out fo this awesome bath and hit the farmers market cuz that is some seriously great soul medicine. And that is exactly what my broken self and my fairy realm unbroken self are gonna go do.

Some People Have Real Problems

There was one point i walked out onto the front porch this past week, and interrupted my buddies’ conversation with my exclamation, “I have so many dates this week, i can’t keep them straight!” They looked at me and said, “GTFOH!” Super quality dates though! This past week i have been watching my housemate’s marriage fall apart. Her husband fell in love with her because she is a free-loving free spirit, but now he wants all that love and spirit for himself. That sent him into a downward spiral of insecurity and paranoia and douchebaggery which has resulted in me cussing him out and banishing him from the house indefinitely this morning. What a way to start the week! But sunday was awesome–i went out with a new friend on our second date. We went to see a kids’ production of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe and then went out for a couple of drinks. Great conversationalist. Friday, i had a second date with another tinder friend. She ended up at the house as part of our huge snow day party,is real fuckin sweet, and can hold her own around crazy strangers. That entire 24 hours was just a shit show. That is when housemate’s husband was being real crazy. Hey decided out of FOMO that his ass wasn’t going to work. He then got pissed when my housemate got pissed at hi for intentionally not going to work. This guy had already been sent home earlier in the week for reeking of liquor and told to shower+come back. He didn’t go back. Now, he was gonna lay out again? My housemate parties her ass off, but she gets her ass to work–even when she isn’t scheduled. Who the fuck WANTS to go to work. That shit hit her wrong because she isn’t like that AND because this motherfucker is already borrowing money from her. Plus, i had said two days prior, i didn’t want to see his ass at the house until saturday at the earliest. But here he was with his third, boundary-busting appearance in that time. Anyway, he showed his ass for the last time this morning, and i told him not to come the fuck back to our house, EVER. I swore as the person who married my housemate and her husband that i would do everything in my power to help them through whatever. Ive been patient with this fuckwit as he figures himself out, but my first duty is to my bestie who is being straight up harassed by this man at this point. I would want someone to advocate for me like that in the case this was happening to me. Anyway, my Boone buddy comes next week. We are supposed to spend solstice in hot springs. Prior to that, another date friend person is my +1 to the company christmas party–guaranteed shit show. I’m going to start undoing my tech addition today. I turned off my cell and im going to leave my iPhone at home tonight while im at work–even though that’ll make it all boring AF. Got into vikings season 5 last night–i heart Ivar!

VEGANNOTTHANKSGIVING

One (of many) reasons i don’t attend obligatory family gatherings (such as last week’s), is that i have a few family members who are unnecessarily argumentative AND they don’t really have the brain power to be arguing with anyone in the first place but INSIST on demonstrating their ignorance.: one uncle who is a sober 7th Day Adventist and my dad but only when he is drinking. I do not have time for this bullshit. I only have space in my life for uplifting people and activities. That sounds unrealistic, but my life is great since I have cut out these excruciating holiday visits and set up alt dates with just my parents at a time of day when my dad has not yet begun to drink. My sister lauren gave me the low down on turkey day this morning. She said the shit head 7th Day Adventist uncle did his normal thing but to the nth degree, like my mother had to calm his ass down. What am i thankful for this alt turkey day? Again, that i wasn’t at the family turkey day. Someone managed to snap an epic shot of the beginning of my uncle’s rumplestiltskin-style tantrum and my parents and i recreated it this afternoon at peaceful, vegan, notturkeyday:

Back of the Head Girl

Im hoping that by writing about this ex, I️ will GTFOver the recent shit that happened. We broke up a year ago. We live in the same small town. Ive since gotten married (and am in the process of divorcing that person) and she has since moved in with her boyfriend who lives like 2 blocks away. We’ve gone back and forth, back and forth between being ok and not ok. When I️ left for South America and she left for California in early november, we were fine. She and my mom and I️ had a visit in my kitchen. Everything was cool finally. But now she isnt speaking to me, AGAIN. There are a number of reasons, not the least of which is that she unloaded a lot of intimate details about her current relationship that she probably shouldn’t have and probably now feels guilty about. Her boyfriend won’t even look at me unless I️ wave really hard. So I️ guess it could just be the obvious answer that he doesnt want us to be close and so she is going along with that. Idk. I️ call her back of the head girl because my buddy ian started that after he saw the coffee table in my house–a craft project that photodocuments all the places we have been together. I️ am trying to not react in anger because I️ DO that. And it isn’t cool. It also doesnt get me the answers im looking for. And it makes me look like a jackass. Thi sis just gonna be another instance where I️ have to be ok not knowing wtf is going on AND I️ hope to have the emotional strength not to let this person waltz back into my life when it is convenient for her. That will happen. And I️ want to respect my own boundaries.

TBH

What the fuck do you do when your ex girlfriend who is kinda your neighbor now stops by while she is walking her boyfriend’s really cute dog and proceeds to tell you how not great their sex life is–like not the intensity and the frequency and vagina that she got when we were together. It made me sad. I was like, “hey, you should be honest with your boyfriend.” Nope. And then we had another run in shortly after that where i directly said, “you have a problem with honesty–it was an issue our entire 3 years together. Maybe you should be honest about the sex you want–you arent doing yourself or your boyfriend any favors.” She still refuses to go that route, and I’m still sad about it. But i am happy she returned my cast iron yesterday–i joke about it costing me 10 thousand dollars as that is what i paid for an engagement party+a diamond ring for a girl back in 2012. Gross.

Then there is the anxious-insecure attachment I transferred from one person to another. Energy isn’t destroyed, people. It can’t just go away. Now, I’m trying to fix this attachment issue instead of just going full steam ahead with an attachment disorder. I always called it “being too much,” and while it IS that, it is something i can fucking address and correct. Yay!

How to maintain authenticity+vulnerability through this thing called, “LIFE?” I thought my wife had killed all that was soft in me but really I’ve found i am just softer after all this bad experience. I made it! so i think being authentic+vulnerable will continue to come naturally and maybe even increase exponentially throughout my lifetime. I mailed back my wife’s wedding ring today as she requested in early september and supplied me with an SASE to do the deed. She requested the iphone she gave me back but fuck her–i use that thing and it was not given conditionally. She sent me a box or sercies I’d given her that she could have easily thrown in the garbage. What a fuck face.–like she took the time, energy, and money to mail me garbage. Crazy. Anyway, this is still my year, and maybe it is the year to end my attachment disorder. That’s a great goal.

Im really enjoying my ancient Scandinavian-influenced hairstyle and have gotten quite addicted to razoring the back of my head. It feels delightful. I also started treating myself to a weekly bath. Bubble trouble.

My professor buddy is sick and probably not going to make it here this weekend, which sucks because i took the whole thing off and it is high season BUT i have my two best buddies from 1st grade coming through so it isn’t a bust. I was gonna make my professor buddy a turnip turnover (turnipover?) but they wouldn’ta been able to eat it even if they were here. They have been sick for three fucking weeks now, and i gave them cold sores so everything is compounded. I was full disclosure right off the bat, back in august and i wan’t showing any symptoms when we last visited, but because their immune system was compromised from a general cold, they got the herp. And they got it badly. I was gonna go up there and take care of them, but they were like, “hey, uh-uh, i look a mess and i do not even want you to see me like this.” That made me sad. I want them to come here so they can be motivated to go (read: taken) to the doctor–like, denial and gender stuff will keep the smartest person out of the dr’s office, i get it. Ugh.

And then my mom who hasn’t apologized for the last shitty thing she did to me wants to know when im free this weekend. Technically all of it, but im not giving her that. Those people take too much out of me. That makes me sad. But I’m less sad about it than i am ecstatic that i don’t have as much of that energy suck going on.

Oh, and i met a sweet+hot+emotionally available therapist momdog rugby yoga person who works with kids aging out of foster care. Crushhhhhh.

Last Week

So last thursday, the drug dealer dropped by the house and it had fallen on me to meet with her because work schedules and stuff. Well, this person is chronically late and flakey, but GEEZ, an hour late and i have to get out of the house to put on a presentation, and im like, “hey, where are ya,? Gotta go!” I mean, for 300 bucks i can show up somewhere on time. The chit chat bullshit surrounding these types of relationships always bothers me. I am not a small talker, and i feel so weird being inauthentic but im totally being inauthentic when im like, oh, yeah, come hang out with us soon. Or whatever. So, anyway, she finally shows up and has less ecstasy than originally planned. That’s fine–i don’t need ALL the ecstasy and then gives me two hits of acid and then is like, “hey, im done for the day and about to start partying–want a bump?” Yes. Well, she lays out two big ol’ fat lines like she is fucking Pablo Escobar and says, “a little more than a bump, haha.” And i say, “Drug dealer, i cannot do that much cocaine. I can maybe do like half of that.” Anyway, i was like, “thanks, gotta go, we will holler at ya when we do a hang out thing soon.” But i know, most likely, i will forget to invite the drug dealer over until the next time i want drugs. I feel like their is a parallel with the relationship i have with my mother. I actually feel like maybe I have a better relationship with the drug dealer. Like, at least the drug dealer doesn’t constantly remind me that im not a doctor, not a lawyer and that my sink is dirty. I told my therapist yesterday not to worry about waiting on my mother to schedule a joint appointment and that even if she wanted to, im not sure im into at this point. I feel sad about my mom not wanting to accept and cherish the person i am and that she is so effing disappointed in me. I also feel angry about those things. My therapist reminded me i have many other sources of affirmation, and i am trying to focus on those–what i have–rather than what is lacking. Le sigh.