TBH

What the fuck do you do when your ex girlfriend who is kinda your neighbor now stops by while she is walking her boyfriend’s really cute dog and proceeds to tell you how not great their sex life is–like not the intensity and the frequency and vagina that she got when we were together. It made me sad. I was like, “hey, you should be honest with your boyfriend.” Nope. And then we had another run in shortly after that where i directly said, “you have a problem with honesty–it was an issue our entire 3 years together. Maybe you should be honest about the sex you want–you arent doing yourself or your boyfriend any favors.” She still refuses to go that route, and I’m still sad about it. But i am happy she returned my cast iron yesterday–i joke about it costing me 10 thousand dollars as that is what i paid for an engagement party+a diamond ring for a girl back in 2012. Gross.

Then there is the anxious-insecure attachment I transferred from one person to another. Energy isn’t destroyed, people. It can’t just go away. Now, I’m trying to fix this attachment issue instead of just going full steam ahead with an attachment disorder. I always called it “being too much,” and while it IS that, it is something i can fucking address and correct. Yay!

How to maintain authenticity+vulnerability through this thing called, “LIFE?” I thought my wife had killed all that was soft in me but really I’ve found i am just softer after all this bad experience. I made it! so i think being authentic+vulnerable will continue to come naturally and maybe even increase exponentially throughout my lifetime. I mailed back my wife’s wedding ring today as she requested in early september and supplied me with an SASE to do the deed. She requested the iphone she gave me back but fuck her–i use that thing and it was not given conditionally. She sent me a box or sercies I’d given her that she could have easily thrown in the garbage. What a fuck face.–like she took the time, energy, and money to mail me garbage. Crazy. Anyway, this is still my year, and maybe it is the year to end my attachment disorder. That’s a great goal.

Im really enjoying my ancient Scandinavian-influenced hairstyle and have gotten quite addicted to razoring the back of my head. It feels delightful. I also started treating myself to a weekly bath. Bubble trouble.

My professor buddy is sick and probably not going to make it here this weekend, which sucks because i took the whole thing off and it is high season BUT i have my two best buddies from 1st grade coming through so it isn’t a bust. I was gonna make my professor buddy a turnip turnover (turnipover?) but they wouldn’ta been able to eat it even if they were here. They have been sick for three fucking weeks now, and i gave them cold sores so everything is compounded. I was full disclosure right off the bat, back in august and i wan’t showing any symptoms when we last visited, but because their immune system was compromised from a general cold, they got the herp. And they got it badly. I was gonna go up there and take care of them, but they were like, “hey, uh-uh, i look a mess and i do not even want you to see me like this.” That made me sad. I want them to come here so they can be motivated to go (read: taken) to the doctor–like, denial and gender stuff will keep the smartest person out of the dr’s office, i get it. Ugh.

And then my mom who hasn’t apologized for the last shitty thing she did to me wants to know when im free this weekend. Technically all of it, but im not giving her that. Those people take too much out of me. That makes me sad. But I’m less sad about it than i am ecstatic that i don’t have as much of that energy suck going on.

Oh, and i met a sweet+hot+emotionally available therapist momdog rugby yoga person who works with kids aging out of foster care. Crushhhhhh.

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Last Week

So last thursday, the drug dealer dropped by the house and it had fallen on me to meet with her because work schedules and stuff. Well, this person is chronically late and flakey, but GEEZ, an hour late and i have to get out of the house to put on a presentation, and im like, “hey, where are ya,? Gotta go!” I mean, for 300 bucks i can show up somewhere on time. The chit chat bullshit surrounding these types of relationships always bothers me. I am not a small talker, and i feel so weird being inauthentic but im totally being inauthentic when im like, oh, yeah, come hang out with us soon. Or whatever. So, anyway, she finally shows up and has less ecstasy than originally planned. That’s fine–i don’t need ALL the ecstasy and then gives me two hits of acid and then is like, “hey, im done for the day and about to start partying–want a bump?” Yes. Well, she lays out two big ol’ fat lines like she is fucking Pablo Escobar and says, “a little more than a bump, haha.” And i say, “Drug dealer, i cannot do that much cocaine. I can maybe do like half of that.” Anyway, i was like, “thanks, gotta go, we will holler at ya when we do a hang out thing soon.” But i know, most likely, i will forget to invite the drug dealer over until the next time i want drugs. I feel like their is a parallel with the relationship i have with my mother. I actually feel like maybe I have a better relationship with the drug dealer. Like, at least the drug dealer doesn’t constantly remind me that im not a doctor, not a lawyer and that my sink is dirty. I told my therapist yesterday not to worry about waiting on my mother to schedule a joint appointment and that even if she wanted to, im not sure im into at this point. I feel sad about my mom not wanting to accept and cherish the person i am and that she is so effing disappointed in me. I also feel angry about those things. My therapist reminded me i have many other sources of affirmation, and i am trying to focus on those–what i have–rather than what is lacking. Le sigh.

IDK

I wrote a note to myself earlier this year about it being MY year, the year of the rooster, the year to make all of my dreams come true, the year to accomplish all my goals. Well, i got really excited about that and I made a lot of assumptions about what all that means. And now, im about half way through the year and am reflecting on maybe some poor/hasty decisions. At the same time, i am SO elated at where i am RIGHT NOW. Strangeness. It just always seems you (not you necessarily but me for sure) have to go through bullshit to get to the goodness. Idk. It seems like at this point i would have something figured out but i reckon i have nothing figured out–which is fine. I am still trying to figure it out. Maybe that pursuit is pointless. I mean, i pursued what i thought my dreams were this year–getting married was a big one. What a disaster. But that disaster led me to this moment in time where i am appreciative of my friends, i am loosening unhealthy attachments, i am about to start promoting my children’s book, i am promoting my non profit, i got to preside over a wedding between my good friends, i am about to go visit my godson in a month, and i have met a buddy that i am ecstatic about. I thought my therapist was totally full of it when he told me that i would meet someone who would check off all the boxes. I thought for sure that was a pipe dream but it turns out it isn’t. Now i just have to manage my expectations and attachments so i don’t destroy this awesome thing. So maybe my year isn’t to pursue what i think my dreams are but to pursue god’s plan for me, and that listening better to god, being present, being mindful is all part of that. Idk.

Finally!

For a while now i have been dreading getting served my divorce papers because whenever i would hear from my wife, i would lose my shit. After my unbinding ritual, that feeling of losing my shit in relation to my wife’s contact went away, and i have experienced neutral reactions to her contact–for the most part. Thursday morning, I scheduled a tattoo appointment for the evening time, and after work, went home to clean the house and relax. Right before i was about to leave the house for my appointment, a sheriff’s deputy came by to serve me my divorce papers. I told him my legal name was not anywhere on the paperwork, and he didn’t seem to worry about that. Idk. He was willing to take a picture which i thought was nice, and he knew where I worked because he’d just served someone there the previous night. Anyway, i don’t believe that a notary is going to let me sign this copy i received because it isn’t me and it would not undo a marriage because on paper, legally, i am not this particular name. Im going to print out this form again and put my legal name on it and get it notarized and return it to this person. Otherwise, after all this bs, i might not be actually divorced come next may. So, i went and got my fingers tattooed. It didn’t work out in Baltimore for a couple of reasons it seems–first off, too much money, and secondly, i wasn’t so sure of the font i wanted. It came to me when i made my appointment that i wanted a person i am seeing to write it out for me and that i would use their personal font. They are going through a much worse divorce than i am so it is like homage to their struggle and my weird, permanent way of having their mark on me. Without consultation, they wrote the phrase exactly how i envisioned it. It didn’t take long to whip out this phrase on my knuckles and i was showing it off by 9pm. Right before i went to bed, I asked the person im seeing how it feels to have their handwriting on someone FOREVER and they said, “it feels nice, buddy.”

The Unbinding Continues

Part of my journey has been realizing when i am doing weird attachment things with people. I’ve been reading here and there about unhealthy attachments, and when i went to baltimore this past weekend, i read a snippet of my friend’s book on various attachments. A couple of things dawned on me between reading that book for a few minutes on saturday morning and leaving baltimore on sunday afternoon–first, that i had developed very strong feelings for a person i am currently seeing–love+in love+eat them up with a spoon-type situation, and second, i felt unbound from the less-than-healthy fixation I’ve had on the person i went to visit in baltimore. One type of dysfunctional attachment (in a nutshell) is “the one” type situation. Like, you put this person on a pedestal, you idealize your relationship with them, you pine for them in perpetuity, and if only you could be together (again), life would be perfect. So, this person in baltimore and i went on some dates back in 2013, and i just fell madly head over heels nucking futs crazy in love with her in the first instance that i saw her. My subatomic particles shook. It was a wild feeling, and i still vividly remember it. For the last 4.5 years i have remembered it and was very reluctant to let it go to the detriment of other relationships i have been in since that one–until this weekend. The cool thing was that this wasn’t even a conscious action–I woke up on sunday and just felt differently, freer and not like piney and whiny. I also dreamed i hacked a house guest of mine to death saturday night. With dreams like that, i have to understand im not actually wanting to kill someone (generally), and i took it as something in my life needed to die. Voila–this unhealthy attachment! With this unhealthy attachment over, i wanted to also make sure not to fixate on and kill with my care bear stare of love this person i am currently head over heels for. I got Tinder to deflect my energy a little bit–plus, i am pretty fucking interested in exploring things with folks that maybe i normally wouldnt pursue when my energy is all concentrated on one person. While i set a specific intention for my unbinding, i can’t even remember what it was, but i have been unbound from multiple things lately and along with that, i am seeking to fulfill my basic needs BEFORE using every ounce of energy i have to do things for other folks. It is kinda like the first wobbly steps on a balance beam–i don’t know what im doing and it isn’t comfortable. That has to mean it is growth, right? Or will result in growth? I am fine getting out of my comfort zone physically–like going to a country where the people don’t look like me and i don’t speak the language, but getting out of my own habits, that is some serious shit and i havent made many sincere attempts at that. It is time though–time for deep, drastic change, and everything that is occurring now is prepping me for and pushing me toward that.

Baltimost

While i have traveled a lot of places, i think when i say what i do in these places, i might come across as rather boring. I talk to people. I write postcards. I get lost. I relax in ways im unable to at home. This first voyage to baltimore to see a good friend was EXACTLY what i needed after figuring out my root chakra is blocked/unbalanced. Rest, red, and food were the cures and so i slept a lot, wore red a lot, stood in my friend’s kitchen looking at all her red refrigerators magnets a lot, and ate loads of the best vegan food I’ve ever had. Scientifically speaking, i cant say i have improved but in a very unscientific gauging of how i feel, i think im ready to take on the world again–perhaps reminding myself occasionally that meeting my basic needs should be priority number 1. Or maybe i just need to travel more to stay balanced.

Hammocks vs Tents

Since the eclipse and an unbinding ritual a few days after that, i have felt quite…unbound. Like, last week, following the unbinding ritual’s conclusion, i started emoting like a motherfucker and cried basically all week–from monday-friday. But like my winter trip cries, this was a good thing–release. I feel pretty great now. A “test” of this change came up sunday when my mother flipped out on me and i did not react. Usually i flip out right back on her and then I’m left feeling like a schmucketty schmuck even if i didn’t start the row. This time, i was like, “well, dang, look at that flip out happen, and i have nothing to do with it.” That was nice. It sucks my mom was upset but it was nice to not feed into the frenzy.

I am really excited about my new friend and their dog. They have come to visit me a couple of times now. The communication and comfort and attraction is something i have wished for in relationships but never been able to provide on my own end and so it never manifested itself on the other end either. But after years of therapy and good friends and luck, i have come across a person that i hope stays in my life for a long time and am excited for what comes of that relationship. We camped in my yard sunday. It was cold outside and hot in the tent. I hate tents. But it was probably the best time i have ever had in a tent and makes me ok with being in tents again (as opposed to hammocks–the ubermensch way!)

I fly to baltimore thursday and hopefully Irma doesnt fuck that up for me because that is going to be a fun time with a person i love dearly. I am getting to meet a woman she is dating, get to go to a porn festival, and i might get finger tattoos! Yayyy! I also get to visit baltimore which i havent before so that’s cool.