I always experience a little pre menstrual angst+anxiety and kinda want to die for about a day, but this go-round, it’s, like, ramped up, man. I’ve cried off and on for days, plural, and found it difficult to talk myself down from the “you’re worthless and should probably just end it already,” thoughts that have crept into my head. I dont think it’s just a Cancer trait, to suck up that negativity and darkness with an “I’m fine,” and go on when you obviously arent, but ya know, as a Cancer who used to do this, and as someone who knows two other Cancers that do this, while willfully ignoring all my other buddies who do this that aren’t Cancers, my unscientific study is that of course, it is the crabs (and the occasional Sag) who “I’m fine” it through life while their worlds are burning. That’s actually neither here nor there, except to say that i wish folks wouldn’t do that no matter what their astrological sign is. Since I’ve learned to express my distress in a healthy way to my buddies, gah, life is so much better cuz i can just ask for help. Generally, i don’t need to but like the past few days, i felt overly burdened by my own rhinoceros dookie-sized pile of emotions, and dang if some buddies didn’t rescue the shit out of me. Haha–rescued the shit out of me. Rhinoceros dookie. Yeah, I’ll show myself out.
Along with not just saying “im fine,” ive also tried to be less analytical about things in general. Like, “why did i get married last may?” Actually, i was super analytical about that. And I’ve been super analytical about why this last bout of PMS has been such a rager. A few things come to mind–i cannot afford unlimited yoga right now. for nearly a year, i took 6-7 yoga classes a week. I think not being able to do that recently has caught up with me because what amazing healing and growth and calm comes from a regular yoga practice. This realization that yoga has had such positive effect on my overall health prompted me to be humble and volunteer in exchange for some yoga classes. So that’s one thing. Another thing is that I’ve had a shift in my core friend group. One buddy took a far off job for an indefinite amount of time. He and i spent the majority of our waking lives together and so there’s that void. Also, a buddy of mine that used to spend a lot of time with me pretty much disappeared off the face of the earth once her girlfriend moved to town. i rationally know this person is busy with life stuff, but it is another void I’m dealing with. I’ve made a point to say i miss this person’ s presence and they respond well to that, and i get to hang out with her sweet girlfriend now but still, a shift, something to get used to. Ive been drinking too much–another factor. Coming from the restaurant industry where no amount of alcohol consumption falls outside of the norm and still cavorting primarily with restaurant industry folks, coupled with our society’s normalization of alcohol abuse, it is easy to let myself get away with drinking amounts that i would definitely lie to a doctor about, ya know? What a bunch of empty calories and a potentially bad next day. So im cutting back on that and hopefully it’ll help–when i wake up after too much drinking, and that can mean as little as 3 drinks, i have full-blown anxiety attacks that remind me of when i was in charleston 15 years ago shoving all the cocaine up my nose. It’d benefit me to drink less for sure. Another factor is im going on dates with a person that has my head out of sorts. Like, i second guess my behavior and stress myself out that I’m saying or doing something dumb. I struggle with attachment vs connection in intimate relationships some times, and the last two folks i felt like this about really did a number on me, so im already bracing myself for pain that may or may not even happen just out of instinct and self-preservation. Realizing that is happening is super fucking helpful–thank you, amazing therapist. That bracing for hurt before it happens looks like anger. I get angry like pre angry and use that as an excuse to call the whole thing off. Ive managed to not be an idiot like that yet, and am trying my best to work out what normal looks like so that i can just breathe and be present. Not drinking as much helps with all that stuff too. I watched someone i was intimate with last year implode recently and i know for a fact their drinking contributed to their really nasty attitude.
Everything is awesome. Everything is fine. Im happy 99.99999% of the time and it’d be unfair and weird if i didn’t have to experience some darkness. Like, i have it SO good that i need a little reminder every once in a while of just how amazing that is.